We’re often told to be resilient. To keep going. To push through. To stay strong.
In many situations, that’s good advice. Life is full of challenges that require perseverance, courage and determination. But there is a question we don’t ask often enough.
At what point does resilience become something else?
Sometimes, in our effort to cope, we begin dismissing our own experience. We tell ourselves we’re overreacting. That other people have it worse. That we’re being weak. We convince ourselves we just need to push a little harder, wait a little longer, or get through one more week.
Without realising it, we may begin gaslighting ourselves.
Self-gaslighting happens when we repeatedly ignore or minimise what our mind and body are trying to tell us. Exhaustion becomes “just being tired”. Anxiety becomes “stress everyone has”. Feeling emotionally flat becomes “part of the job”. Rather than responding to these signals with curiosity, we explain them away.
The difficulty is that our nervous system doesn’t negotiate with our thoughts. We may convince ourselves we’re coping, but our body continues to register cumulative strain. Sleep becomes lighter. Patience wears thin. We become more reactive with the people we care about. Decisions become harder. We lose interest in the things that once brought us enjoyment.
These aren’t signs of failure.
They’re information.
Healthy resilience isn’t about tolerating unlimited stress. It’s about adapting to challenges while still allowing ourselves opportunities to recover. It means recognising when we need to adjust, seek support or reduce the load before our wellbeing is compromised.
Perhaps one of the greatest myths is that asking for help is something we do only when we’ve reached breaking point.
In reality, seeking support is often one of the behaviours that makes resilience possible.
So how do you know when it might be time to reach out?
Perhaps it’s when you’re no longer bouncing back from stressful periods. When “I’ll be okay next week” has become your internal dialogue for months. When the people around you notice you’ve changed. When you’re surviving each day rather than engaging with it. Or when you’re spending more energy convincing yourself you’re okay than you are actually feeling okay.
There is no prize for enduring unnecessary suffering.
Resilience isn’t measured by how much distress you can absorb before you collapse. It’s measured by your capacity to recognise what you need, adapt to changing circumstances and respond in ways that support your long-term wellbeing.
Sometimes, the most resilient sentence you’ll ever say is not,
“I can handle this.”
It’s,
“I need some help.”
At Blue Healers Counselling in Brisbane’s western suburbs, many people arrive believing resilience means carrying everything alone. Often, they discover that resilience isn’t about becoming harder. It’s about becoming more aware of themselves, responding earlier to the signs of strain, and allowing support before overwhelm becomes crisis.
Real strength isn’t found in ignoring your limits.
It’s found in respecting them.
References
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Building your resilience. https://www.apa.org/topics/resilience
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Stress effects on the body. https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/body
Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience: Have we underestimated the human capacity to thrive after extremely aversive events? American Psychologist, 59(1), 20–28. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.59.1.20
World Health Organization. (n.d.). Mental health. https://www.who.int/health-topics/mental-health