I’ve been thinking about a conversation I had recently. Not because it was dramatic or confronting, but because it quietly made sense in an important way.
I was talking with someone who openly engages in BDSM. This wasn’t therapy and it wasn’t a formal counselling conversation. It was simply a respectful and curious discussion. As she spoke, something she described sounded very familiar from a counselling point of view.
She talked about what she called a runner’s high. During a BDSM scene, she experiences a rush of good feeling. Her body settles. Her thoughts quieten. She feels calmer and more grounded afterwards.
She also spoke about a time when life felt overwhelming. During that period, she contacted her bondage master and wanted to see him as soon as possible. There was urgency in how she described it. Relief was needed quickly.
I reflected that what she was describing sounded similar to how people talk about alcohol, drugs, or other fast ways of changing how they feel. I asked whether it felt a bit like “seeing a dealer”. She paused and then said yes.
That moment wasn’t about judgement or labels. It was about understanding function.
In counselling, it’s easy to get stuck if we focus only on behaviour. A more useful question is, “What job is this behaviour doing right now?” When I listened with that question in mind, what she described didn’t feel unusual.
People cope in many different ways when they feel overwhelmed. Some drink. Some gamble. Some get angry. Some shut down. Some hurt themselves. Some exercise intensely. Others seek intensity in different forms.
The behaviours look different, but the aim is often the same. People want relief from thoughts and feelings that feel too much.
From a nervous system point of view, this makes sense. When someone is overwhelmed, the body looks for what works. It doesn’t judge strategies as good or bad. It learns what reliably changes how things feel.
At the same time, it’s important not to reduce BDSM to coping alone. Many people engage in BDSM because they enjoy it. It can involve intimacy, trust, creativity, erotic play, or connection. In those situations, BDSM isn’t a coping strategy any more than sex, dancing, or running is.
However, behaviour doesn’t have one fixed meaning. The same behaviour can play different roles at different times. When BDSM is sought urgently during overwhelm, it may be helping to regulate distress. That doesn’t make it wrong. It simply makes it worth talking about.
After that conversation, I revisited the research to ground this reflection. What stands out is how consistent the findings are. BDSM, in itself, is not a sign of pathology. People who engage in consensual kink do not show higher rates of mental health problems. Many report good wellbeing and strong identity.
It also fits with what we already know about the body. Intensity, focus, and structure can have a settling effect when someone feels overwhelmed. Feeling calmer afterwards doesn’t need a dramatic explanation. It fits with how people regulate under stress.
This brings me to the question I return to often in counselling. Not “Is this behaviour good or bad?” but “Is this behaviour helpful or not helpful in the context of the life someone wants to live?”
That question applies to everything. Alcohol. Exercise. Work. Sex. Anger. Gambling. BDSM.
A behaviour can be helpful when it supports values and relationships. It can become unhelpful when it’s the only option, when it’s driven by urgency, or when it narrows someone’s life.
From an ACT point of view, the goal isn’t to remove coping strategies. It’s to build choice. When people are overwhelmed, they reach for what has helped before. That makes sense. Problems arise when there is only one way to cope.
A trauma-informed approach takes a similar view. Many coping strategies developed when options were limited. They helped someone survive. Taking them away too quickly can feel unsafe.
Instead, counselling focuses on building capacity. That might mean noticing overwhelm earlier. It might mean staying present a little longer. Over time, people often rely less on urgent coping because they have more options.
Blue Healers Counselling supports people to make sense of overwhelm and the behaviours it drives, without judgement or labels. www.bluehealerscounselling.com.au
References
Wismeijer, A. A. J., & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013). Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. Journal of Sexual Medicine.
Jozifkova, E. (2013). Consensual sadomasochistic practices (BDSM): A literature review. Neuropsychiatric Disease and Treatment.
Turley, E. L., Monro, S., & King, N. (2017). ‘Like nothing I’ve ever felt before’: Understanding consensual BDSM as embodied experience. Psychology & Sexuality.
Harris, R. (2019). ACT Made Simple (2nd ed.). New Harbinger.